Discussion Vs. Arguments

When I was browsing Facebook, I found this definition of the difference of a discussion from an argument in credit to an unknown author. I really liked their definition because it’s what I’ve been trying to practice by doing my best to avoid getting into conflict with anyone, may it be with strangers, people at my work, my friends, and my family.

That post that I read said that, In a discussion we are trying to identify “What is right?”, while in an argument people are trying to prove “Who is right?” When you know the difference between the two, it can help you identify the conversations that would be worth your time and effort to immerse yourself and help you grow as a person.

To further elaborate the definition of the two words, I would like to set this example. If you enter a discussion, in my opinion both parties will be considered as winners. While in an argument, only one party will become the winner, what’s worst is that both parties will be considered as losers.

IN A DISCUSSION… Both parties are winners, because in a discussion you are trying to identify “WHAT is RIGHT?”, which means you are not there to prove the other person is wrong, you will be engaged into the discussion because both of you wants to benefit from the results of the conversation.

Discussions can be like a battle field of thoughts and ideas, however, in this battlefield people are willing to listen to people around them. If In a team, leaders are willing to listen to their people’s thoughts, suggestions, and advice, thus, allowing their team to find better tactics and strategies that would help them solve problems that they encounter for them to win the battle. In a discussion, you are promoting healthy conflict in your team, if you are the leader you are not limiting the potential contribution of your members to the team, because you encourage them to express their opinion in the situation, with no fear of getting retribution just because of disobeying orders or going against your opinion.

Let me use an example that I said to some of my close friends who are living with me in my house for “free”. I said to them that they should look for a job because they are not getting any younger, if they want to build a family and to have a better future not living their lives in poverty. They need to go to work and earn themselves a living and be smart with their finances.

I said to them the difference between people who are trying to control you and correct you. When I say people who are controlling you, these are people who wants to keep you inside of the box, imposing on you something that will not benefit you and limits your potentials, they are also people who wants to always have you follow orders even when the orders are no longer beneficial on your part. On the other hand someone who tries to correct you is somebody who provide you advice but doesn’t necessarily impose that you follow the advice, because this person believes in freewill and that it’s still your decision to do what you think is right.

I explained the difference between the two, because, I didn’t want my friends to feel like I’m trying to impose it on them, because I wanted them to understand it on their own that finding a job and being smart with their finances will be beneficial for both me and them. In that discussion with my friends, it’s not about me being right, it’s about us being rational thinkers and knowing what is right.

In a discussion you get to keep healthy relationships, without surrounding yourself with YES people, who are afraid to tell you their real opinions, because they can’t talk to you straight forward and because they fear they might offend you.

I always try to tell my friends that we should be open to discussions, and I really advice them, my students, and others to remember to really be careful in evaluating people’s intentions. Sometimes we get mad with people who are there to be truthful to you by telling you painful words, and yet appreciate people who are trying to fool you with their sweet talks. This is common with parents and children relationships from where we think some parents are trying to control your life, yet in fact their intentions would be to correct you.

This is also the case with leaders and boss’s that you would meet along the way. You might be offering your loyalty and service to people who don’t have the intention to help you grow as a person and a professional. You might encounter leaders and boss’s that will not be focus to help you instead focus to enslave you and use you for their benefit alone. Try to remember and identify traits of people who are there to try and control you and to use you, from those who are there who are concern enough to correct you.

If you think some people around you are showing traits of wanting to control you, learn to walk away as early as possible or else you will be wasting a lot of your time and time is something that these people can never return back to you. Only the bad experience of doubt and regret that you would have for yourself for wasting your time and effort in working for these people.

“Sometimes quitting is the best move, and having the intelligence to know when to walk away is important.” – Robert Kiyosaki

I truly love the quote of Jac ma about Boss’s and Role Models that you would choose to follow.

“When you’re at your 30’s, please find a good boss. A good boss is better than a good company. A good boss will train you and develop you.” – Jac Ma

I truly believe in what he said, because there will be leaders or boss’s who are so attached to the position thinking that they will live in an eternity, and wants to keep all the glory to themselves and these boss’s will surely hinder you from growing. Unlike boss’s that would want you to learn from them and prepares you for succession or preservation of his / her legacy for the world.

In my opinion, this is why it is important to not get attached to leaders nor positions, it should be the vision we are all focusing on. A vision that would help create better lives for people in the society.

“Good leaders create more leaders, not more followers.” – Tom Peters

If you feel that people around you are most commonly there in front of you, either to become YES people, or people who are always in need of an ARGUMENT. I suggest you evaluate your decision to stay connected with these people or else you might be wasting years of your life in unhealthy relationships that will not help you grow as an individual/professional.

If you ever decide to walk away from these people here’s a note to remember, if you have been in the same situation, don’t be depressed nor be intimidated, remember that as long as you did not do anyone wrong, try to learn from the experience then move on to become a better individual who will not be doing the same to others.

“When someone talks behind your back, just do the exact opposite of what they are telling.” – Unknown author

IN AN ARGUMENT.. Same with a discussion, this can be a battle field of thoughts and ideas, however, only one party will win or worse both parties will be on the losing end. Why? Because in this type of conversation we already know that people in both parties are already set with the goal to prove that “They are right,” and nobody wants to focus on “What is right?”, they are more focus on proving themselves to be RIGHT over the other person.

Arguments for me is a waste of time and effort, especially if you would be talking to someone who will not be willing to listen to your point of view, instead would like to insist that “They are RIGHT” even though it’s not based on rational thinking. What’s the point of entering such a conversation when you already know that the person in front of you has no goal to focus on “WHAT IS RIGHT” and has already won the debate even before the debate started, and is more focus with their ego to prove that “THEY ARE RIGHT”. It will be a waste of time and effort on your part and at the same time what’s worst, it could lead to broken relationship that would happen after the conversation.

I really liked the story of Mr. Morgue about the three classes of people from three different islands. The classes of people are called the Barbarians, the other are the Loving and Trustfulpeople, and last are the Rationalists.

In his explanation of the three classes of people. Here are some of his thoughts (not exact words) based from my understanding and my own words;

THE BARBARIANS These are the type of people to whom you cannot reason with, these are the class of people who will not be focus on “WHAT IS RIGHT”, they do whatever they think is right and can become predators who focus on destroying other people. These types of people can become extremist and can lead to behavior that advocates extreme action (such as Psychopaths “people who knows what is good from evil, yet still decides to do what is evil”, Terrorist “a person who uses unlawful violence and intimidation, especially against civilians, in the pursuits of political aims”, etc.)

THE LOVING, TRUSTFUL, AND GULLIBLE These are the people who promotes love and peace, to them love is everything. They trust everyone, they love everyone, they believe that love conquers all. I personally like these types of people living in a loving island, because, this is the “IDEAL” or perfect island that everyone would love to live on. The only problem with these type of people, they are gullible and naive in believing that love can conquer all even with people like the Barbarians.

Usually they end up becoming victims of the Barbarians, because when the Barbarians asked them to allow them to enter their Island, they would allow the Barbarians to enter, and from there with the mindset of the Barbarians which is to conquer and control, they would end up being abused by these people that they allowed to enter their island.

They love people without having to evaluate on whether the people to whom they offer their love will love them back. I would say that they can be called martyrs, and these class of people are blinded by unrequited love. They are the type of people who will allow themselves to be hit by rocks that you’ve thrown to them, and then throw you back “BREAD” and “LOVE” instead of fighting back.

THE RATIONALIST The Rationalist are the class of people who based their actions and decisions in critical and rational thinking. When I say critical thinking, they analyze and evaluate their decisions, they don’t solely depend on emotions such as “LOVE” nor “HATE”. They base their decisions on “WHAT IS RIGHT”. Rationalist also live in a loving and peaceful environment supported with the belief that everyone has equal rights, however, when rights of people are stepped upon and rule of law is not practiced. These types of people will not remain silent and stand on the side.

They can be considered as people who will not allow themselves to be stepped upon. They stand on the belief of rational thinking, thinking which is based in accordance with reason or logic. When “You love me, I will love you back”, “you betray me, I will kick your ass!!”, it’s as simple as that.

Rationalist will allow you into their islands if you live in harmony with respect to each other’s right. They don’t allow Barbarians into their islands and are willing to take arms to fight the Barbarians when these Barbarians are threatening their freedom and threatening the peace in their land. When you throw rocks at them, they will not throw bread, but throw bigger rocks at those who threw rocks at them (unless these Barbarians stop throwing rocks at them and just live their lives peacefully in their islands).

With all that have been said, I want to ask you which do you prefer? A discussion or an argument? Are you the Barbarian and the Loving and trustful, or are you a rationalist?

I would personally say that I’m a rationalist and I’d rather not engage into an argument and I personally try my best to avoid being in a conflict that I consider as “NOT WORTH IT”, I try to avoid being in such situations because I do admit that I also have the tendency to become an obstinate person and based from my own experience, when I engaged in a conversation with people who are not there to find out “WHAT IS RIGHT” and instead they are in front of you to prove to you that “THEY ARE RIGHT”. I usually end up breaking long-term bonds that I’ve made with these close friends and families.

For my personal learning in such situations. I learned that it’s best to keep away from these people that were previously closed to me and not talk to them in a period of time, until I believe that they would be willing to focus on “WHAT IS RIGHT”, rather than proving themselves that “THEY ARE RIGHT” or perhaps I myself get to feel it’s time for me to move on about an issue I had with the person, and that I feel like I can already handle the fact that this person is a friend or family that will not listen to rational advice but our relationship is still worth saving.

When you engage yourself in an argument, you end up arguing with an idiot and here is what Robert Kiyosaki had to say about arguing with idiots;

“The problem with arguing with an idiot is that there are soon two idiots: you and the person you’re arguing with.” – Robert Kiyosaki

If you think your relationship is still worth saving or perhaps it can be on the status of being casual and rational with these people, that’ll be great, however, to give you a heads-up, there will be people who will not have the same mindset as yours. So as a rational thinker, it’s better to be prepared for disappointments and try to do your best to keep a safe distance away from such toxic people.

They will just end up dragging you down, better to surround yourself with people who would love to be in a good discussion with you, rather than have an argument with you.

Hopefully after you read this article in every conversation you engage yourself as a person or a professional, you get to learn to start and say “What is right?” over “I am right!“.